Monday, April 18, 2011


Today I am really struggling with whether or not I want to take a break from working out with my trainer and my 2 friends. This blog wasn't all going to be about weight loss and it still isn't, but for the last few days, it's REALLY been on my mind. Do you ever feel like something in you is changing or that you are growing (not wider! or taller!)? I feel like I'm trying to claw my way out of something, but I also feel like there's something that's within my reach and I need to grab it or get to it. I think this is why I'm talking about "quitting my trainer."

I've been with my trainer for a year now. I think he's awesome. He's been there,(as in been fat) so he gets it. I am A LOT stronger (physically) than I used to be and I owe that to him. However, he can NOT help me with my food issues. I am an emotional eater. Usually it's from one extreme to the other. Like today, it's 1:40pm and I haven't eaten yet today. Not. good. I drank a 2 pt coffee from Starbucks, but nothing else. Can you say, starving my body???? Maybe messing my metabolism up a bit???

Anyway, I CAN work out and I CAN lift weights and I'm good at it. He thinks so. I think so. The only thing is, the food thing isn't "connecting" with the rest of it. Like with my head. I mean, I KNOW I should be eating 3 meals a day and 2 snacks, but I don't always do that.

I almost feel like it's time for me to move on. I think I want to take the time now to work on my eating issues while working out and doing cardio on my own. I know that they are going to be upset and try to talk me into staying, but they can't help me with the food. I'm not feeling "balanced" right now. kwim? I think it's time for me to work on my eating habits, etc.

I'm sure like a lot of overweight people, you watch shows like Ruby, The Biggest Loser and Addicted to Food. O M J (josh, instead of gosh). Lots of things going on there. The root of all of it is not dealing with emotions. I thought I DID deal with emotions and issues. I mean, I've had YEARS of therapy and have dealt with many raw and gut wrenching emotions. Pain, guilt, happiness, sadness, lust, anger, abandonment, rejection, abuse, you name it. Maybe it's just the feelings from the past? So why is it in the here and now that I am using food to deal? habit? Probably. Part of it anyway.

That's not something that my trainer can fix. Obviously, a year of working out and inches lost, strength gained, but not really pounds. I think it's time to do something different. Now that I KNOW what I can do or at least some of what I am capable of, I think it's time for me to take a break and work on the food aspect of my journey. I don't know how I am going to tell them all tomorrow night... it's hard. It's a routine that I am used to and now it's like I am going to be a duck out there learning to swim on my own.

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